If I truly am in grief over the loss of my goal, today must represent the anger phase of grieving.
What's been so difficult for me to accept this past week is not the fact that I'm likely not going to achieve my sub 2:00 half marathon goal - it's that I'm actually on track to have my worst half yet. When I changed the way I trained last November, I knew I was taking a risk that I might not become faster.
I was not prepared to handle the possibility that I'd lose speed, though. My run today confirmed it, and now I only have 49 days to get it back. I just don't understand. I've put so much more time, thought, and effort into this than any other race.
When I take the 30,000 foot view of myself, I see that everything I am and everything I do is insignificant. It really doesn't matter to the universe whether I run a race in less than 2 hours. It doesn't matter to the universe whether I even show up to the starting line or not.
Why does it matter so much to me then? Why is *this* the thing I'm fixated on to make me happy?
If I zoom in a little bit closer, I see I have so much else to be thankful for. A great career, a wonderful husband and others who care for me, an inviting home (finally) in paradise.
The one thing I'm missing, though - the one thing that started this whole journey - is health. I was stuck in a destructive cycle between my eating disorder and purging through running, and knew I needed to cut the cycle by quitting running. I just didn't want to do that until I reached a sub 2:00 half marathon.
I have learned a lot over the past few months, and it has certainly put me on a healthier track. So what more could I possibly want?
A half marathon PR.
The universe finds ways to balance everything out. Maybe nobody is really allowed to have everything they want in life. What would I need to sacrifice in order to have this too?
Today's exercise: 5 miles